so so sad. i'm gonna have to do this alone. so now what's next? ? i'm afraid to ask. this is the latest from jamie, on the internet boycott front.

[dear david,
well, im not going to be using the internet for a  little while. i have seen how much time i have wasted on here and now i have not enough time to do my homework. the internet has encouraged me in being a louse! bleh, when i get back on im going to definitely mean business. but for now, i just need to make up lots of homework and stay off the internet as long as i can. ok, buddy i love you. i'll call you sometime soon.

jamie ]

posted by david star at 10:25 PM

the recording is going better and better day after day. . i got one song demoed and ready.. .so that's exciting. all these new ideas are coming to me, and that's just want i wanted. so sometime. . really, the friendship exchange ep will be done. done.

i'm paranoid. and i've been cause i haven't been sleeping well. i guess my idea of not sleeping well is having scary nightmares every other nite. from andria breaking up with me in some of em, to fighting these brutal battles. . leading to me stabbing some boy in his neck with a super toothpick thing. i'm scared. i don't want to dream these bad things. . i don't even want to think abt it. my fear of dying has been overcome with the fear of andria leaving me. what if some other boy comes along. . what if. what if. i'm preoccupied, and i want to cry.

where are you jamie ortega?? i'm getting worried. geez. . all these little things to worry abt.
posted by david star at 10:19 PM

i miss her. always. and you wonder why i talk abt her always. you know why. you know why.

second day back at work. i guess i'm trying to get back into the routine. sometimes, i just don't manage time wisely.. i home, with all this time, and i don't know what to do. that's what was going on fr a while. all this time on my hands, and i'd whine abt being bored. but free time always seems to come with a price. i wish i spent this time with her. distance . the distance is killing me.

i am expected alot of the times to care.. . when i don't. it's impossible fr me to spread everything so thinly like some ppl want me to. i decided a long time ago that i'm not gonna waste time on ppl i don't like. yes yes, i'm a jerk rite. i'm not nice, but there's just friends i rather see, then hang out or even associate with negative kids. maybe you'll catch my drift.

*cough* maybe those make out club kids will come.
posted by david star at 10:30 PM

i'm down in the rocks with money. i have negative dollars in my checking account.. and things are the same with andria. weird. i had to send her 20 dollars that i wasn't supposed to spend so she'd have gas in her car so she can go to school and work. i feel weird cause money is just taking us and throwing us around.. and making us feel bad.

i'm trying to record fr the friendship exchange ep. . trouble has risen. i don't know how to handle my four track right, and i don't have the right equipment to execute this. and i wonder how my friends do this oh so well.. and how acoustic recordings sound so easy. i'll figure this out. . cause this is what i'm gonna be doing fr a while. i'm always a little scared. and it's also due to the higher vocals i yield. not squeeky.. just a little higher pitched. yes.

goodnite. andria is sleeping. so. i get to be lonely. fr the rest of the nite.
posted by david star at 10:27 PM

i almost live in napa.. cause i'm there half of the week.. every week .. cause andria lives there, and it's nice to go see her. she means everything, and it sucks she does not live within arms reach. i miss you.

i have not blogged. i feel bad.. as like jamie does.. but i wonder where i've been. not here. sitting on porches singing songs and eating fresh baked cookies. my dream.. to have a house with a porch and a basement to rock in.

i'll blog later.. i'm on the phone.
posted by david star at 11:28 AM

right now i am doing what i have been waiting to do for a long time: i am being honest with myself.
posted by jamie o. at 12:02 PM

i feel bad that i have not written in here since tuesday. this blog has put a guilt trip on me each moment i haven't written anything of substance down...which is quite frequently! HA! anyway, so these past couple of days i have been running neccessary errands with my mom and we've been having fun. my room has some new accessories thanks to ikea! that store and i should marry. (then i could stay true to VFL) i felt a little guilty for getting things for my room. they all were done in vanity, but i guess they are somewhat of an american-western neccessity. but there are people beyond this culture that don't need lamps, picture frames, shelves, etc. i do not know what to think a lot of the time! in my confusion of whether this things were of vanity or not, i went ahead and bought them in greed and the support of my mother. tomorrow i have hopes of jackie and robbie coming over to paint the frames, get some free labor. HA! no, we will have a good time. kids like us need to have those sometimes. simplicity has been a goal lately. im getting closer. just thought a little update would be keen.
posted by jamie o. at 8:33 PM

stumbling over a bunch of words is just nonsense, give me straight forward truth.
posted by jamie o. at 12:10 PM

i have been thinking a lot lately. i have lots to think about now. school is great. that's my conclusion. i would not have been thinking this much if it was not for my lovely teachers. this is not sarcasm either. i love this, but this is also pretty scary. my persuasive paper has me thinking a lot about veganism. if it's really for me. i can't see myself eating animals again, and the only two outcomes of change would be to give up on the vegan gig or take everything in my life up a few hundred notches. it should be obvious though. i know what i have to do. in bible, we are writing about proverbs in our journals. proverbs starts talking a lot about wisdom. i want it so much. it's tough, but is it worth it? to live a wise life. to have joy in living a life of wisdom. there is a lot to sacrifice, but everything, and it's eternal signifigance, makes sense if i just do not compromise anymore. it is wise not to compromise. it is wise to learn all i can to support and create my ideas and beliefs. it is wise to get rid of all the trash i am living in. i do not want to set myself up for failure anymore, there is work to be done, and i need to shape up. man, i love school.
posted by jamie o. at 8:31 PM

i never listen to my mom. i walked outside with no raincoat, and an intention on staying dry. a couple hours later.. after some sunshine and a few sprinkles.. i walk out to davida's living room after finishing my mixtape job fr the time being. what do i hear.. thunder.. and i come home drenched, but still happy, cause it's been good.

and i still ask andria if she's sure she loves me. cause i'm pessimistic and i'm afraid she's just gonna leave me someday. i'm gonna eat and watch the rain hit the street outside my house.
posted by david star at 3:52 PM

eh...i have zero motivation right now but that life should be completely opposite to what it is right now.
posted by jamie o. at 11:02 AM

Once things become so proufoundly clear that I feel at a point of good understanding, I think a little further and end up in complete confusion. Moments like this lead to my inner debate of why we have bodies, then the whole concept of body = temple came back and it was remembered, I said,"Oh yeah!" and it was good. Thought like this makes me aware that I must be obedient or things won't make sense, but after thinking and thinking, all my thoughts contradict each other and I know that have not learned enough to even begin forming opinions about so many things. I know lots of these things are personal choices and preferences, but I don't think I want to try and choose. I want to change greatly. I want to represent my God with complete purity and honesty. Lately, it has been just a big mess. I don't like how things currently are in my life. I want to go to bed at nine and wake up with energy. I don't like chasing my tail, because I don't have one to chase! Today in the car I wanted to listen to my music and my mom was trying to be sly by turning it down bit by bit, and soon enough I just turned it off. "Why did you turn it off?" "I couldn't hear what I was listening to." Right now I can't see what I am living for. So during this week off, I hope to get some major things organized and some business done so I can see what it is that I am doing all this work for. I want to take all of this up a notch. Life is so beautiful, especially when it is at a pace I can take.
posted by jamie o. at 10:49 PM

hold onto yr memories and yr heart as long as you can. sometimes, the pictures documented and the songs sang are the only things you have. . when no one is around to listen to you, and everyone is gone being busy and being themselves. what a wonderful revelation.

valentines day was nice. spending time with mates of state and seeing a nice nice show. i realized that it was just another day, but we just felt that much more obligated to give. but what, we always give gifts anyways, and this was just an extra day fr us to be cute. it was our first valentines day together, and our first ever.. fr both of us. we never really celebrated it before on our own.

suzanne's valentines box came late .. but always, i love that kid. pictures of us . .being foolish. why else would i go to boston. while andria still hates the whole city, i remember through pictures and bright eyes songs being sang as we walked around being silly. and the lyric that i could never figure out stated " two pills just weren't enough " . . i know cause i went to manic music to check personally.

andria got a new job, and hopefully, she'll come up here fr the electro group show. while i sit and wait fr her to get off work. take care all.
posted by david star at 11:32 AM

so...im ungrounded but im still grounded. this isnt compinsating. id rather have money. so here's life and how its tolling: i am beginning to regain a grasp of happiness and just getting a touch of joy again. its beautiful and refreshing and i love it. im probably going to be transferring out of anatomy/phisiology because for the rest of the semester we're going to be staring dead cats in the eyes as we dig inside them. i myself dont want to be in that we, so im getting out, buddy. for my english term paper im writing about "christian veganism" an obvious made-up topic, but just a chance for me to explain myself perhaps. it seems easier to hand people a nice seven page paper than trip over my words. uh huh. im going to read "the vegan book" over my week-long break which i am already disagreeing with, but this is nice. i am thinking. more ideas/thoughts/beliefs are forming. its a great thing. courtney patrick told me she has had a horrible past two weeks which makes me feel selfish because i was busy being depressed. i always do that! self-absorption of any kind is the devil. bah! i love everyone and everything again. if you hear me say "kill" im just kidding! thank you david for bill cosby love for my birthday.
posted by jamie o. at 8:56 PM

why is jamie always in trouble. it's pretty sad sad. and tomorrow is her birthday, and i'm never gonna see her again. grr. i'm up early.. i got up at eight, and i'm already hopping, and getting rid of cds so i can sell them today and get some new and fresh stuff. heh. i try to get rid of music that i have, but don't listen to. you know. . i still have some embarassing cds stashed somewhere, but i'm just afraid to sell them. it's the past, but i don't know. scary, let's hope no one finds them.

i fell asleep wondering where andria was. looking fr a goodnite call, or something, but instead i was staring at the ceiling trying to go to sleep. i get to give her the big present i got fr her tomorrow. this is gonna be exciting. . not only fr her, but fr me. i hope i did ok. i hope i did ok. who told me they noticed that i always say things twice? jamie..

i love the feeling of cleaning. i don't do it very often, but finding all those little things buried away always seems to nice. especially when you know almost exactly where it is, and so on. i still don't get how some of us know our houses to well, that even under a pile clothes, or zines, you know that one picture is, or what not.

take that piebald cd and rough it up.
posted by david star at 9:22 AM

oh my goodness! im grounded! it's not even my fault! my parents set me up! i did nothing wrong! well, i better be off because no one is home and i have to erase all the evidence that i was even online. this is disgusting. people need to be shot. now i cant even have my birthday bash. kill em all. so kids, write me please? not the e, but postal. gar!
posted by jamie o. at 11:49 AM

the best birthday present i ever got someone ever.. was a small mini refrigerator fr mike. grand. he still has it to this day, filled with bottle water. rock. not beer or soda, or anything like that a kid would have, but bottled water. our tap water here sucks.

andria is coming to pick me up in an hour or so. . i have an hair appointment at 2 and it's raining. grr. i dressed up all almost jock style to go outside to fight the rain just to mail some valentine's packages..but i still got soaked. the adidas jumper didn't work too well fr me, but the heckler hat did. fight the rain, not usually that big of a battle, but the wind is the one that kills us all everytime.

i got 4 papa roach cds up on ebay.. just in case.. i'm pretty sure none of you indie rock nerds would be interested, but tell yr younger brother or something. cough up the christmas money and help my friend pay her phone bill. heh.

i feel weird that i'm not writing in my journal as much anymore. i just feel weird cause i should be.. i should be documenting this.. all that goes well. . anyways, i'm gonna get dressed, and clean this mix tape mess left from days and days of making tapes. 5 days until jamie's birthday. rock it fr her please.
posted by david star at 12:48 PM

bah.
posted by jamie o. at 8:22 PM

67 miles away. . she's 67 miles away. it makes it harder to want to see her whenever i want. i can't just wake up in the middle of the nite, or even sometime in the afternoon and chase her down when i have that "i miss you" feeling.. .that comes everyday at least fifty thousand times. but she's coming today. i'm without work, i don't drive, and i'm in trouble cause this is all holding me back.

i'll be driving sometime soon. i'll be having a little fun.. and i won't be all bikecore anymore. . heh. fr now. all i can do is listen to bright eyes at least once a day.

posted by david star at 1:48 PM

so i heard that my entries were rather dramatic. this really is just basically my whine. but...i need this. so hush. but, to loosen with the drama, i just wont even go into yesterday. i think paying $120 for a good time is a bit much, and it makes me feel like i am paying for a whore almost. sick. today i saw that my addiction of solitaire has gone a bit crazy. i look at people and see them as kings, jacks, and fours, red and black, and mentally i place them where they should be. fright. i need some friends, i need some discipline, i need some movement.
posted by jamie o. at 7:47 PM

eleven in the morning. . the time the average teenage kid usually gets up, but that's not what i like to do. . i like to at least have an idea of what i want to be doing by this time. it's still fairly early, but i don't have any clue abt what i want to be doing. i did make covers fr some of my tapes here, but the idea of cleaning my room just sounds not fun, so i don't want to do it. valentines day is in a week and a day, and i should get these zines out to ppl before it's too late. i just like coordinating things to special days like that, even tho i didn't get my zine done fr that reason.

my girlfriend lives 67 miles away. granted, that's only an hour away, and i still see her fairly often, i don't really have to option to just drop in over there whenever i want. i don't drive, and i don't have a car.. i don't even have a license, but i know how to drive. it's pretty inevitable that i'm gonna have to either get a car, or at least get my license soon so i can see andria more often. it's been ok, since she's been letting me drive and getting the hang of things. accomplishment of the weekend: parallel parking from the left side of a one way street.. almost perfectly.

acdc. back in black lp optained fr free and loving it.
posted by david star at 11:06 AM

i just got home .. back into sacramento again, since i've been spending most of last week in napa with andria. i'm starting to like that place more and more everytime i go there, but i still love sacramento. i'm still afraid that i'm gonna be stuck here, which is scary. . this place is too comfortable. it's just nice to be back here in my own house after a while.

last week, i was sitting in boston watching tv with my best friend suzanne and nicole. . it was great... but i missed it here.. i missed her, and i missed home just a tiny little bit. it was a wise decision to come home and no i do feel good, aside from the fact that i've been feeling a little ill the past two days.. i guess i failed since i did watch tv when i set out not to.

i haven't been writing.. i guess i've just been in the state of. .i don't know. i've been content with just being with andria, and seeing her day in and day out. it's weird here by myself now, but i guess that's alright cause i need just that little bit. i've just used to it this way, so i've come to be ok, and not dwell on the fact that i'm by myself. but i'll always miss her when she's not around.

i'm tired, and i want something small to eat.. take care. make out club is back jamie says. . heh. rock.. more hits, maybe.

posted by david star at 8:53 PM

i feel like the emotional freak. i have all the feelings in my hands and i have no idea what to do with them.
then people come along and point the blame at me for everything in the world because they can see i am lost.
bah!
posted by jamie o. at 12:57 AM

today i bought six cds, one for a nice kid i like, three are supposed to be for someone else...but i dont know...hmm. there's a lot to do this weekend. that excites me, and stresses me. oh well, i will just cross off that whiffle ball game...where did that come from anyway? oh well...internet curfew. i am fiffteen. fun stuff.

"why dont you dress like normal people?" "are you a lesbian?"
why do people ask stupid questions?
posted by jamie o. at 8:32 PM